i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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