yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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