Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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