So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
