I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
