You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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