I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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