I feel great
I just peed on a car
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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