Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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