Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
