Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
there is glitter all over my balls
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
