Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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