dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
