Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sober January is a disaster.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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