once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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