i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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