At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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