I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
