Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
