Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
