awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
