You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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