If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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