My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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