I hate all girls vehemently.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
