I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
