i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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