Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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