Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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