I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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