Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
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someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize