respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
