Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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