Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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