I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
