we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
