i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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