mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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