I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
