I looked at my own cervix.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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