Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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