you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
