Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
pray to the hookup gods
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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