i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
