You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
