fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
her vagine was all disorganized.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
