do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.