Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.