Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

Fav 26 819 4643
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.

Fav 21 1387 4191
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(707): View more from California

you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!

Fav 17 3923 888
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined

Fav 12 4325 2104
share tweet
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Read it at the TFLN blog
(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

Fav 18 1433 3899
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

Fav 16 1322 4360
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

Fav 18 6260 2459
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.

Fav 0 902 502
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(660): View more from Missouri

Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.

Fav 0 193 86
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT