I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
