Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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