I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
