woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
