he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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