So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
