I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
