ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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