God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
