I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
