im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
