I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
