sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
