im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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